Monday, January 9, 2017

Have you found your Fatima?

Today, I feel like writing something. I need to accept few things. It's a public platform and as it is visible to you, I feel a little shy. I would try to put my mind and feelings over here as they are. I treat this page like a transporter between my mind and my conscious. It helps me to receive and observe what my mind is up to.

I just entered my room after spending few hours in the green park of Hiranagar, Anu. I was overwhelmed with some kind of dizziness and thoughts which I couldn't read myself. In the late morning hours when I stepped out of the room to walk on the road alone, I felt more dizzy. My mother had called me last night about a to-be-marriage proposal from a family living somewhere Tihra.
When I hear the word marriage, I feel excited and fear at the same time. I have turned 29 and all my mother can think about now is my marriage. Of course I want to marry but to someone I know from past. My mother had sent me the birth details of the girl and using the internet resources I found the astrological compatibility to be average.

I had told my mother that the marriage compatibility is just average. She thought that she could talk me out it, and wants to proceed further. That makes me feel angry, first I don't know the girl yet, and also the compatibility score is only 21 out of 36. I called my mother in the morning and asked her to not give me any more marriage proposals else I would shut my phone down.

I know she feels the urgency of my marriage but I don't want to marry like this. Somehow I feel that love marriage would be better for me. All these thoughts were so clinged to my head that I could hardly stay in the room. I went out so that these thoughts could evaporate in the sunlight, which today has come after few days of clouds and rain at Hamirpur. I walked for about three four kilometers first on the main highway at Anu then I took a street path and entered the fields towards the north west of Anu. Still I could not feel light, I felt like a creep walking alone with my earphones on with its chord hidden under my leather jacket and other end tucked into my cell phone in my jean pocket which played the audio book "The Alchemist."

After that call to my mother, I felt a little guilty too, because all she is trying to do is getting me married. This is what she thinks she is supposed to do. Anyway I turned towards the children's park in Hiranagar and sat there. Few couples were seated on the seats. Some children were swinging, and also some bunch of boys were there chit chatting.

I sat on an empty seat with the sun rays on it, and tried to bask my head in their sweet heat. From inside my head was heavy with bundles and nets of thoughts. I had read that book about a decade earlier, so I needed not to concentrate hard to learn the story of that shepherd boy named Santiago. Will I find my Fatima? I don't know, but these questions put me at unrest. Have I found that king of Salem or not yet? I don't know. ... Have you??